Diagnosis: Mary Sue
by marksloanmd
Summary: A lighthearted look at how not to write a good Diagnosis Murder Story.


Diagnosis: Mary Sue

Parody of self-insert stories (and other stories, including my own). Just a light-hearted look at some of the flaws that we as writers should all try to avoid.

_Hi everyone! My name is Bobby and I'll be your narrator today. Don't worry; I'm not the grotesquely out-of-place original character that's going to be forced into a relationship with one of the main characters. I don't do that sort of thing. It's not my style. _

_In order to preserve the flow of my story, anytime I use first person will be in italics. I do this to help the story (and to annoy the reader). Well, anyway, here's the story._

ICANTFINDTHEHORIZONTALRULERORPAGEBREAKSOILLANNOYTHEREADERINSTEAD

A young girl trudged down the warm sands of Malibu beach, the hard cold rain beating down on her tiny scrawny shoulders. _(Note: the particular type of sand imported to Malibu beach has such a high heat capacity that it feels very warm to the touch all year round, even in the middle of the winter with little sunshine and cold temperatures. There is no inconsistency here. Writing inconsistencies is not my style... Where were we? Ah, yes...)._ The girls' dazzling, crystal golden hair fluttered daintily in the wind, blasting her round wind-beaten face, drying some of the tears that mixed in with the rain water and stained her face. I dont even know where I'm going thought the girl. I just have to get away _(Narrator's Note: I am only allowing the Mary Sue to use the first person without proper punctuation because I have misplaced the quotation mark button on my keyboard and I am too lazy to change her thoughts to the third person. I'll let you know when I find that button.)_

The girl kept running _(which, should be noted, in some dictionaries can be synonymous with the word trudged. Unfortunately, these dictionaries were all burned in the tragic fire of the Library of Alexandria by Muslim invaders in the seventy century. Pity.) _along the beach. Determination and passion burned in her deep cerulean blue eyes _(the actual medical condition is known as ocular cyanosis)_ and she refused to give up. I'm so tired the girl thought but I have to keep going or else, or else, or else... _(Just so no reader is not subjected to any unnecessary suspense, I want to take some time to state that the girl has indeed been subjected to severe emotional and physical abuse. But don't worry, nobody will ever harm her again because, by exceedingly ironic circumstances, she is about to stumble right into the arms of a handsome, single, blond, nice, empathetic, etc etc doctor: Jesse Travis. Or maybe the strong, caring, deep-hearted, protective, etc etc cop: Steve Sloan. I haven't decided yet.)_

Her last few steps took her only a few feet as her thin legs buckled and she collapsed onto the warm sand. This was it. She had failed and now she knew that she would never make it. She could never escape The One. _(Okay, so I gave up on finding the quotation mark button and I just decided to put her thoughts in the third person. Happy?) _Her sparkling ocean-colored eyes closed slowly and a soft sigh emanated from her small mouth _(emanated... a good word, huh? I like it. I wonder what it means...). T_he last thing she saw was a very handsome man with a surfer running towards her.

She snapped back into consciousness when she felt a warm, soft hand on her arm. The warmth emanated throughout her entire body _(emanate: to send forth, emit... close enough)_. Her eyes fluttered open and she stared strait _(straight as a strait! Get it?)_ into the kind eyes of a very worried blond man.

"Are you ok?!" Jesse _(who is, for those who can't follow, the man described in the previous paragraph. I don't feel like properly introducing the characters right now. It's too proper, not my style. Oh and SURPRISE!!! I found the quotation button! It was under my mouse.) _asked, concern written_ (in red ink)_ all over his face.

The girl weakly said yes then dragged herself upwards but Jesse stopped her. "You shouldn't try to move. I'm a doctor. I want to help you. My name's Jesse."

The girl was shocked at the depth of caring in Jesse's beautiful, deep blue eyes like her own. _(ocular cyanosis is becoming more frequent among California natives. A shame.) _She for the first time in years felt safe. Someone actually cared about her, someone other than the teachers at school who always pretended to feel sorry for her.

"I'm Hikari. I-" she hissed in pain and her last thought was that she could at least die in peace. Her thoughts faded into nothing. _(FYI the character is not Asian, has no relatives who are Asian, and is in no way affiliated with anything Asian. I just picked the name because it was cool.)_

"Oh no" Jesse breathed. He felt for a pulse but only got a faint one _( I could tell you the BPM, but I wouldn't want to bore you)._ "You're gonna be alright Hikari. Just hang in there."

He scooped her into his arms and was surprised at just how light she felt. He could easily detect fresh blueish sapphire bruises forming on her face _(again, cyanosis)_. 'What happened to her?' Jesse thought angrily. 'Who would do something like that to an innocent young girl?!' Jesse put all thoughts aside and ran to Mark's beach house_ (which, also by exceedingly rare coincidence was only a few yards away from where he was standing)._

INSTEADofUSINGwordingTOtellTHEreaderTHATtimeHASellapsedIMjustDOINGthisFORfun

When Hikari woke up she found herself on a big, red, and soft sofa in a strange house. Two faces stared into hers. One was Jesse's, full of concerned worry_ (I'm trying to make a point here). _ The other was an elderly gentleman with white hair and a worried smile.

"Where am I?" Hikari asked. If it was a dream she didn't want it to end.

"You're in my beach house," Mark said. _(Obviously, Mark is the only character that hasn't been introduced before. Figure it out.) _"Jesse found you on the beach and thank goodness he did. If it wasn't for him you could be seriously hurt or worse. And what happened to you? You have bruises all over your face. Did someone hurt you?"

Hikari looked away and felt hot tears sting her blue eyes _(a common symptom of ocular cyanosis). _"I... I don't want to talk about it right now, if that's okay. And, Jesse, I really want to thank you. Really. You and Mark are the only ones who have ever seemed to care about me."

Jesse was touched. He flashed Hikari a smile full of sympathy and caring. "Don't mention it. Someone like you deserves some kindness in her life. I'm glad to have been able to give it."

Just then _(by a strange twist of ironic fate to make the story clip by quicker) _Steve Sloan walked in. "Hi dad" he said and his eyes widened ten times as big when he saw Hikari on the sofa _(no, this is not exaggeration. His eyes really did open ten times as wide. He, like Jesse and Hikari, have ocular cyanosis. Pretty soon this condition will become pandemic.) _ "Who is that?" Steve wondered aloud.

Jesse and Mark explained who Hikari was. When Steve saw the bruises on her face, his stomach absolutely boiled in absolute indignation and anger _(not a symptom of cyanosis, but Steve is currently being treated for terrible ulcers). _How could anyone treat a girl so badly? How could someone hit such a small, vulnerable girl? He had seen enough abuse cases where the abusers went free. He promised himself that he would help this one girl.

While Jesse and Mark were getting Hikari some hot soup_ (which Hikari so politely asked for while Steve stood thinking) _Steve whispered something in Hikari's ear. "Tell me who did this to you and I'll make sure he never gets out of prison again. I promise to protect you. I won't let another abuse victim get killed, not like last time. Not like Molly." _(who, let me just say, is a random girl who was killed by abusive parents while Steve was trying to help the girl. Enough said.)_

Hikari was speechless _(not a normal symptom of cyanosis, but not unheard of) _and she began to cry great big tears of happiness. She didn't notice as Steve's smooth hand gently wiped away the crystal tears on her beautiful tan face or as Mark and Jesse returned with the soup. "Thank you so much. Thank you." She said and gripped Steve in a tight bear hug, thank-yous emanating from her lips.

The Sloans and Jesse were all touched. This girl seemed very grateful and very kind. They all had an instinctive desire to protect her, especially since Molly. This girl would not be hurt- Ever Again.

_And thus begins the story of how a random teenager was able to gain the affections of the entire male cast of Diagnosis Murder characters. All in less than an hour. Thanks should be given exclusively to Molly, whose untimely death caused all the characters to be very receptive to abused16-year olds looking for protection. To save time, paper, and computer space the rest of the story can be summed up as follows:_

_Hikari falls in love with Jesse. Jesse falls in love with Hikari. Everybody pretends there isn't a 12+ year age difference._

_Steve gets jealous at first but then becomes a father-figure to Hikari. Mark becomes a grandfather-figure to Hikari. Hikari moves permanently into the beach house with Mark and/or Steve as her legal guardian(s)._

_Amanda, feeling left out, applies for a job at the Community General Hospital in Syracuse, New York (yes, there is a Community General Hospital there; look it up). She is never heard from again._

_Three sequels somehow occur after everything is 'Wrapped Up'._

_Bobby gets lynched by a mob of angry Mary Sues. Or something like that._


End file.
